on being different...

Whatever does not conform to the norms of the

dominant group tends to be treated either with suspicion,

terror and contempt, or alternatively with an unhealthy

blend of amusement, fascination, and embarrassment.

I have just been browsing this site, on a totally unrealted article about Don Justo's cathedral in Mejorada del Campo - but i came across thse links on graffiti. Now being no great lover of graffiti myself, having lived in Madrid for the last 3 years -where every building of any value is covered in hideous tags - I still appreciate the artistic tongue-in-cheekiness of it all- Here are my graffiti photos - taken in Lisbon, Portugal in April 2007

My friend Andy just introduced me to this great combination of Chaka Khan and Rufus. Check out their BEST song, IMHO

25 days!!!!

If you don't have the balls to be hated, then you don't have the balls to be loved

from this site

(I take no credit - but i like it)

Back in my day, we called them ‘wannabees’ or ‘hanger ons.’ Today, you might call them something else. But those were the people who so desperately wanted to be well liked and popular, that they inadvertently crossed the line and ended up becoming one dimensional and fucking annoying. I’ve actually always had a soft spot in my heart for them. To me, it seemed like their only crime was trying too fucking hard and I couldn’t bring myself to publicly shun someone for being nice to me. Oftentimes, I’d reach out to them, hoping that my guidance would ‘cool them up’ a little. When I was 11, my classmate Megan became my full fledged project.

Megan was widely despised by everyone despite her innate sweetness. She was the type of girl who never really talked about herself. If you asked her what her favorite food was, she’d say, “What’s your favorite food?” If you answered “Pizza,” she’d say, “Oh, that’s my favorite food, too!” If you asked her what she liked to do for fun, she’d ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” If you answered, “I like playing soccer,” she’d say, “That’s exactly what I like to do too!”

Never mind that you always saw her eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich at lunchtime and that you once witnessed her hurling a soccer ball over a volleyball net. She loved what you loved 100% of the time. You had millions and millions of things in common. You were destined to be best friends.

She drove me fucking crazy, but I was determined to help her.

One day, we had the following conversation:

V: Megan…what’s your favorite color?

Megan: What’s your favorite color?

V: I’ll tell you after you tell me.

(At this point, she looked terror stricken.)

Megan: Um….hm….ah….blue?

V: Cool. Mine is green.

Megan: Green is my favorite color, too!

V: No, it’s not. You said you liked blue.

Megan: But I changed my mind! Now I like green!

V: Megan, have you ever seen me carrying around a mirror?

(Her terror turned to abject confusion.)

Megan: What?

V: Do I carry around a mirror? Do I look in a mirror all day long?

Megan: No….

V: Do you want to know why I don’t?

Megan: Why?

V: Because I don’t want to be friends with myself. I want to be friends with you.

Megan: What do you mean?

V: I want to know the things that you like. I want to hear the things that you think. If I wanted my own opinions echoed back at me all day long, I’d just start talking to a mirror.

Megan: But I like all the things that you like!

V: If that’s really true, then you’re boring and I don’t want to be your friend.

She cried and because I felt guilty for handling the situation all wrong, I started avoiding her in school. Eventually, she latched on to someone else and I learned that you can’t change people. If someone is insecure, weak willed, and cowardly, they are going to stay that way until they get sick of looking at themselves in the mirror.

I look around the world today and I’ve noticed that it is full of people like Megan.

Everyone has been playing nice-nice with each other. No one wants to accidentally offend anyone else. We’re all so open and accepting of everyone’s thoughts and feelings (Even the fucking dumb ones) and there are no stupid questions. We share. We encourage. We sugar coat. We are tactful and we are pleasant.

And after a day of this, we go home, make ourselves a cocktail and wonder why no one really knows us. We wonder why we never feel really close to our friends and we speculate on how it’s possible to live one third of our lives without bonding or connecting with anyone else. In the midst of so many superficial friendships, we are amazed by the fact that we can feel so alone.

If you’re 16 years old, all you have to do is go heavy on the mascara and start cutting yourself to feel alive. If you’re in your 30’s, the chic thing to do is live vicariously through your children. Both methods are equally pathetic.

Today, Karolin is my only real girlfriend. We are polar opposites in every way. Karolin is a humanitarian, a liberal, a spiritualist. I could give a flying fuck about my fellow man and I’m pretty sure that God is dead. Karolin is very social and will happily strike up a conversation with a hobo on the subway. I cringe when strangers ask me how my day is going. Karolin sometimes wishes that my toughness will rub off on her and I sometimes hope a little of her heart will rub off on me.

I guess where I’m going with this is that the reason our relationship works is because we’re so different. Our conversations are colorful and interesting becausejustice. Stupid people walking around in freezing temperatures deserve to die. That’s Darwinism at work! Karolin will laugh and remind me of his family left to fend for themselves. The end result is that we learn a little something about each other and even more importantly, we learn something about ourselves. we so often disagree. When Karolin muses that James Kim’s death was a tragedy, I roll my eyes and insist that it wasn’t a tragedy. It was

Self love is easy. Learning to love, respect, and admire someone different from you takes a bit more work. Furthermore, there is no more a freeing feeling than being completely open, honest, and raw with someone and knowing that they will still call you back the next day.

I guess it’s no secret that I like to make people angry with this website. In a cyber world where tact is king and we shy away from certain subjects as not to alienate our readers, I take a purposeful inflammatory tone. I like to make you angry because it isn’t until you’re pissed off that I get to learn how you really feel about a certain subject. However briefly, your anger allows me to take a little peak into your soul. Sometimes I even learn a little about myself when I read those passionately pounded out rebuttals.

You people do yourselves a vast disservice by always playing nice. When you spend your life ‘me too-ing’ your peers, you cease to become an individual with your own thoughts and feelings and turn into a mirror in some asshole’s pocket. The blogging community is the biggest offender in this department. Don’t any of you realize that when you continually censor yourselves the end result is that people quit reading what you have to say? Sure, you might get X amount of hits a day, but the only reason people are visiting is because they want to make sure that you are still linking to their blog. I guarantee you that you are not enthralling the public with a methodical recounting of your day that included a trip to Gymboree and a saga revolving around burnt toast.

Every once in a while, I will read an essay where someone gets really excited about the subject they are discussing. I can tell by their word choice and their tone that I’ve stumbled into territory that really means something to them. Their words almost seem as if they’re on fire and they’re taking me (the reader) somewhere interesting and colorful and honest. And even if I’m mentally disagreeing with them, I’m still excited to be reading. Because they’re close to waking up a sleeping part of my mind, they’re close forcing me out of my comfort zone, they’re so fucking closejust about to make? It never comes. And I, the excited reader, am left to glare at their little sidebar of links and wonder to myself, “Who was it? Which one of these assholes was this writer afraid of offending? Who stole this person’s voice?” to inspiring me towards mental applause and jubilation or towards outright fury. Then, all of the sudden, they pull the punch. They reel the passion in. They go back to playing nice. That point that they were

Fuck all of that. If you don’t have the guts to step outside of your comfort zones, you will never grow and change as a person. If being well liked is more important than being yourself, then you will never say anything of value and you will never have true friends. If you don’t have the balls to be hated, then you don’t deserve to be loved.

On Wandering

Over this brave small road, the wind blows. Tree and bush are left behind, only stone and moss grow here. Nobody has anything to look for here, nobody here owns anything, up here the farmer has neither hay nor wood. But the distance beckons, longing awakens, and through rocks and swamp, snow, they have provided this good little road, which leads to other valleys, other houses, to other languages and other men.....

But I smile, and not only with my mouth. I smile with my soul, with my eyes, with my whole skin, and I offer these countrysides, whose fragrances drift up to me, different senses than those I had before, more delicate, more silent, more finely honed, better practiced, and more grateful. Everything belongs to me more than ever before, it speaks to me more richly and with hundreds of nuances. My yearning no longer paints dreamy colors across the veiled distances, my eyes are satisfied with what exists, because they have learned to see. The world has become lovelier than before.

The world has become lovelier. I am alone, and I don't suffer from my loneliness. I don't want life to be anything other than what it is. I am ready to let myself be baked in the sun till i am done. I am eager to ripen. I am ready to die. Ready to be born again.

The world has become lovelier."

excerpted from Wandering by Herman Hesse

I shall leek you

49 days!

Love you J

Random Acts of Kindness

My grandmother used to have this hanging up in her bedroom. How it rings true to me now.

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I don't want to stand at the setting sun,
And hate myself for the things I've done.
I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness
that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this
way again.

Author: Stephen Grellet, Quaker missionary

go here

for more like this


www.cuteoverload.com

Song Lyrics for my Soul

from On the Radio - Regina Spektor

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

MUSIC YOU MUST OWN!

Sunrise Over Sea - John Butler Trio
We Were Here - Joshua Radin
Songs We Sing - Matt Costa
In Between Dreams - Jack Johnson
Garden State Soundtrack - Zach Braff
Last Kiss Soundtrack - Zach Braff
Continuum - John Mayer
Amos Lee - Amos Lee
Odysseynumberfive - Powderfinger
Marc Cohn - Marc Cohn
Tails - Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories
Twentysomething - Jamie Cullum
Spirit - Jewel
Twisted - Del Amitri

paths to happiness

this was a comment on a blog I read. I think they wrote it about me.

People tend to criticize others when they don’t make the decisions that they think they should make. This seems to be their way of coping with something they lack in their own lives. The world is full of those who talk and devoid of those who listen. Everyone has a path. That path does not always end in someone else’s version of success or happiness.

This was taken off this entry that won post of the week 15 March 2007. Read it here. It's excellent.
The only way is the wrong way

50 days!

thats all.

Multitasking

Never slept well last night. Woke up in a panic. 7.58. Oh FUCK. Jump up. Put on bra. Rip blouse out of the cupboard. Put blouse on. Oh fuck, turquoise - black shines through. Take blouse off. Put on black t-shirt. Jeans. Brush teeth. Rinse Face. Blowdry hair for 30 seconds into some semblance of order. Grab things. 8.05. Out the door. 8.36. Get to school. Coffee Machine Broken. *Another expletive here* Go to class. Greet Children. All late because of last nights' storm. Bea is off colour. Lucia's shoulder hurts. Maria has the shits. Miguel's mother is obsessed with him. Coffee Break. Still no coffee. 12.30. Lunch. Someone finds a turtle in the playground. Big wrinkly brown one. Sue can't cope with this. Time to take over. Put turtle in box. Walk to park. Release turtle into lake. Walk back to school. Coffee Machine fixed. AAAHHHHHH. 13.40. Back to Class. Ana's loose tooth bleeding. Bea is dying . Lucia's shoulder needs amputation. Ana refuses to go to nurse. Pull tooth. OUT. Blood everywhere. Rinse blood from mouth. Rinse blood on hand. Ignored EVERY health and safety regulation in the book. BUT. I just made the tooth fairy extra busy tonight. Yay me. 19.43 Get home. Shop. Check mail. Breathe.....
21.04 What else can I do for you?

Eight Things about Me

Seeing i am in a list making mood.....

1. I used to be a chorus line dancer for a Brazilian Singer called Carlos Benkunskas - and loved every minute of it!

2. I have broken both my feet - and both times it was drink related...... (no comment)

3. If the doctor never took my 'Please help me, i think i am dying' plea seriously, i would be dead. My appendix had burst and they found it in 3 pieces, floating around in the vastness of inner me...

4. I met my boyfriend on the net. And yes, it's wonderful, and yes, i love him!

5. I speak 4 languages and i want to learn as many more as i can

6. I have been bitten by a mouse in a supermarket, and by a cat that was attacking my dog. This is the TRUTH. Both time i had tetanus shots. I am up to date now.....

7. Beerfests bring out my inner German demon.

8. I am not as confident within myself as i appear in public. But i am prepared to keep up the charade.

Reasons to be happy 14 May 2007

1. Jeremy May loves me!
2. Tomorrow is a public holiday and i get to wake up WITHOUT the alarm!
3. It is only 56 days till Australia!
4. My Amazon purchases should arrive when i get back to school on Wednesday. Oh how i love Amazon!
5. My new hairstyle is showing promise of being manageable.
6. Summer is here! Terraces open for late evening drinks and lots of un-coated fun to be had..... Tinto de Verano....... yum!
7. I found lost friends on Facebook and they accepted my friendship requests!
8. My hayfever seems to have calmed down.... Atchoo!
9. There are such wonderful things to read on abeautifulrevolution.com
10. I sold my first necklace in Spain today!

There are probably many more i could rack my brain about - but if i made a list of them all i would have to be near on ecstatic.

Life is good!

My Wish

It has always been incredibly difficult for me to say goodbye - whether forever, or just for a while. I have been known to be the one who weeps inconsolably at the funerals of barely known acquaintances - never mind the funerals of loved ones and friends. Goodbyes signal such finality and grief.
My loved one lives too far away from me - in Australia. We have the wonderful privilege of living in this world of technological marvels - and speak every day - by phone, email or chat. I even get to see him in real time on webcam. We speak so much that i even catch myself running out of things to say (for a bit...) but I hang onto his every word as though it might be the last one I ever hear. Our phone conversations are especially precious to me, as the sound of his voice seems to lull me in the wonderful happy place filled with love, laughter and shared intimacy. We sometimes speak for 3 to 4 hours- giggling and whispering away whole afternoons, sometimes.
The time flies and but there is not one second where i ever want to be anywhere else.....but i always know, in the back of my head....... a thought that fills me with dread....... we will eventually have to say goodbye, and he will carry on with his life for a bit - and i will carry on with mine...... until we meet again tomorrow. But EVERY time he says goodbye (because i am never able to be first) i become filled with the deepest dread, like my world is ending. Everytime he says, 'My love, I think I'd better go now......,' I want to scream like my heart is being torn from me! Will it ever get easier? Is maturity or age a cure? In my logical mind, I know there will be a tomorrow.But in my emotional mind, each goodbye is a terrible, terrible ending.

Oh, my world for a place by his side. This is my wish.

Life on earth and other accidents: Things I like about today

Life on earth and other accidents: Things I like about today

I just found this blog through the post of the week site. I think that her list is fabulous - i will be making one of my own, too - as soon as i have calmed my fuzzy eyes (a result of staring at this screen too long!)

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

this could have been me.....

for years i was scared of being alone or lonely. I stayed in a very emotionally abusive relationship for too long, for this very reason. A very good friend of mine took it upon himself to make sure i learnt how to be comfortable with myself by helping me realise that there would always be someone there for me, even when i wasn't with anyone. It was the best thing that anyone has done for me. My life is so much fuller now as i am unafraid to attempt anything anymore, even if it means it has to be done solo. I am still often lonely and sometimes i do feel alone, but it's ok now..... i do not always need people around me to validate me now. I like me. I'm ok.
I read the postsecret.com page every week and this postcard appeared this week.....it made me smile, because i could have sent it about me.

Portugal

Just spent my Easter holidays in Portugal.......gotta love the place. Started off in the Algarve in a place called Santa Eulalia, gorgeous private little beach there, lovely rock pools, great restaurants - GO!! Then off to my favourite place in the world, Lisbon, and as usual, it did not fail to impress! Spent 3 days getting lost in its windy streets, photographing it's excellent graffiti (photos to come), and just generally relaxing. Met some great people at the BEST hostel in the world - OASIS LISBOA, and did the whole Bairro Alto party thing.... Then off to Cascais, where i spent 3 idyllic days in another excellent brand new hostel called CASCAIS BEACH HOSTEL - really worth visiting, too. The village is very neat and clean and tidy, and has a small working dock, free bike hire, excellent walkways, great restaurants, and excellent connection to paces like Cabo da Roca (westernmost point of Europe, great sunsets) and Sintra (UNESCO World Heritage Site)....if you don't mind the wildcat bus drivers who I think used to test drive for Ferrari (I got ringside seats to some poor child getting 'bus sick' into a supermarket packet) Excellent memory there! Thereafter it was back on the train to the Algarve, and this time I stayed in a timeshare resort in Praia do Ouro (Beach of Gold) Got a bit of tanning in, got totally annihilated by bedbugs in the hotel bed, spent my last day in the Algarve emergency Rooms getting injections for the severe allergic reaction I had to the bites... blah blah blah. Back at school now and HATING it. Why? WHY? WHY?

stronger

Which way do you lean?

I did this interesting quiz on my political leanings today. Apart from the questions and ultimately the results making me think a lot - the other information about the migration of ideas of political parties over the last 30 or so years was VERY eye-opening.

Have a go!

http://www.politicalcompass.org/index

John Mayer

Just bought his new(ish) grammy winning album, Continuum. This song is my favourite. I love the honesty of the lyrics - they seem to come from MY heart

Heart of Life

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more on lice.....

see this - a child's true views on head lice. I seem to share them, too

http://www.honeoye.org/Bugs/HeadLice.html

DANGERS OF BEING A TEACHER

OK, so I am not a mom - but how is it possible for a teacher to spot a louse at 20 paces?! The Spanish teacher that I work with found lice on 3 (!) children in my class today..... Yes, feelings of inadequacy reign at the moment, I must say - but they are overtaken only by the feeling of my PERSISTENTLY ITCHY SCALP!!! The psychological effects of PERHAPS having lice are worse, I think, than the effects of actually having them! So hopefully the children will be lice free tomorrow - but in all probability, they will have spread the buggers to 3 more and we will have an epidemic on our hands...

PROA

I volunteer regularly at an animal rescue centre (PROA), south of Madrid, in Leganés (en el cullo del mundo - the arse of the world) This weekend, a worker there has taken the property to hostage, and all the dogs have had to be removed but the city council, and we have had to find temporary homes for them all..... What sicko could be that egotistical! We have 7 rescued greyhounds there at the moment, who were just left to starve in the forests at the end of the hunting season, or left hung by the neck in trees by sadistic Spanish hunters who feel that animals have less rights than humans! We have been advised not to go near the property because of fears for our safety. My word... See this of how animals are treated in Spain - and this is just the dogs!

sitting here

I think i spend far too much time in front of the computer..... Am I addicted? I suppose so. I feel like when i am here that i am somehow connected to the rest of the world....

Life in a foreign country is weird. You wanna be here, but you wish all the time that you had those familiar things from your 'old life' with you.... My PC somehow connects me to 'out there'... I suppose I am not settled yet.... I am destined to continue exploring for a bit... So I sit here night after night, typing away, making new connections to different people, discovering new things, keeping in touch with old friends and family, chatting to my man (he lives far way, too.......) Would I change it for anything? At the moment... NO! Not at all. It is comfortable and strange, all at the same time. I am so grateful for the entrance to different worlds and opinions that this bulky screen, cranky keyboard and eternally humming monitor afford me. What a wonderful way to waste hours!

it's about time

here i am, eventually getting it together to create something concrete about my experiences in this strange world.... after having tried the myspace thing (i HATE myspace), i decided this was the place for me... hope my contributions are interesting enough to read....

Today was beautiful in Madrid - a true spring day - and like a true city being, i had lunch INDOORS. idiota.... mexican on sunday. somewhat of a tradition in my life at the moment. La Mordida, in Opera. Coronita and guacamole......yum!

This photo is from my last spring I experienced in August in South Africa. Being such a time traveller, i get to experience 2 springs every year.... lucky me!